When you are out eating in a non-fast food establishment i.e a proper restaurant, you :
1. Think the restaurant is fantastic regardless of quality, as long as the waiters/ waitresses are polite to you.
2. You never call out 'waiter' when addressing the waiting staff. If you wish to draw their attention you simply look in their direction and smile when you catch their eye, attempt to stop them when they are passing by your table by saying 'excuse me', or raise your hand as if you were in primary school.
3. You order any wine as long as it is on some kind of daily offer and think it is fantastic.
4. You order any food as long as it is part of a cheaper lunch/dinner option. You're not that bothered about the taste as long as you get a kick out of having scored a bargain.
5. When asking for the location of the lavatories, you ask for the 'ladies', or 'gents'. Women usually go together to perform what's commonly referred to as 'powedering their noses', during which they re-touch their makeup, actually use the toilet, and check their hair and clothes.
6. Usually know the restaurant owner by their first name, who is usually an old overwieght man of Asian/ Turkish/ Greek/ Arabic/ Italian descent and knows your parents and various other family members of yours. This man is commonly called Dev or Andy.
7. Your main meal comes in a massive plate and you usually never finish it all, and complain of indigestion at the end, but you are always really pleased that it is value for money.
8. You order dessert which is nearly always frozen and needs to be thawed out, even if it is not ice cream.
9. When the bill comes you scrutinize it carefully double checking that you are paying for exactly what you ordered, adament never to be overcharged or made a fool of. If you spot a mistake you politely alert the waiter who usually doesn't speak English properly at which point you ask for the manager. The waiter signs for the manager who hobbles over and promises to rectify the mistake and asks for a thousand apologies.
10. At the end you always claim to love Italian/Greek/ Lebanese/Turkish food and vow to the owner to come again sometime at which point he twiddles his black/grey moustache and gives you a wide smile.
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Tuesday 21 December 2010
How to be a Londoner- Part 1. Public Transport etiquette
Ok if you're going to move to London anonymous friend, then you should know some traits which characterize the typical Londoner, right? Note, you do not have to adapt these bizarre practises, they are mere suggestions and no doubt after some years of having lived here you may find yourself unconsiously reinacting them in the future. When you do, you know you have made it to being an authentic Londoner.
1. When you enter a medium of public transport, be it bus, tube or train, you do not under any circumstances acknowledge the existance of any other passenger by acting in any of the following ways
- Directly looking at their faces. If you need to look at them, direct your gaze to any other part of their body (this excludes the chest area for women, and genitals for men.)
-You never unless threatened by death, talk to another passenger on the bus. This would be too friendly and polite, which and enduces wieriness in the average Londoner, making you seem well, bizarre. You only talk when addressed and this is rarely. You could be being attacked by a yorkshire terrier next to the disabled seats and still noone would address you.
-In rush hour, when about 100 people are squeezed on a bus or tube carriage with only a capacity for about 60 people, when the heads of shorter passengers are squeezed so awkwardly up against the chests of other taller passengers, that they can smell the odour the others body, when one is so close to another that it is interestingly possible to decipher the exact contents of the other's bag, everyone reads a book/newspaper, plays on their iphone or listens to their ipod just as if they were lying alone on their sofa at home.
- When some inconsiderate homeless person/ bohemian hippy brings their loud and smelly animal aboard, everybody ignores it and pretends that it is invisible, and under no circumstances reacts. Even when this animal begins to lick the naked legs of a woman sitting down, it is considered over the top to react and you merely wait for the owner to distance the animal from the lady, two minutes after which the animal will begin doing exactly the same thing.
1. When you enter a medium of public transport, be it bus, tube or train, you do not under any circumstances acknowledge the existance of any other passenger by acting in any of the following ways
- Directly looking at their faces. If you need to look at them, direct your gaze to any other part of their body (this excludes the chest area for women, and genitals for men.)
-You never unless threatened by death, talk to another passenger on the bus. This would be too friendly and polite, which and enduces wieriness in the average Londoner, making you seem well, bizarre. You only talk when addressed and this is rarely. You could be being attacked by a yorkshire terrier next to the disabled seats and still noone would address you.
-In rush hour, when about 100 people are squeezed on a bus or tube carriage with only a capacity for about 60 people, when the heads of shorter passengers are squeezed so awkwardly up against the chests of other taller passengers, that they can smell the odour the others body, when one is so close to another that it is interestingly possible to decipher the exact contents of the other's bag, everyone reads a book/newspaper, plays on their iphone or listens to their ipod just as if they were lying alone on their sofa at home.
- When some inconsiderate homeless person/ bohemian hippy brings their loud and smelly animal aboard, everybody ignores it and pretends that it is invisible, and under no circumstances reacts. Even when this animal begins to lick the naked legs of a woman sitting down, it is considered over the top to react and you merely wait for the owner to distance the animal from the lady, two minutes after which the animal will begin doing exactly the same thing.
At my London Pad?
Am I hearing this right? You want to live in London? You want to leave your calm, calculated and stable life, and come have an adventure in lovely old London? (I am beginning to sound like Fagan from Oliver lately). This was exactly the range of questions popping into my head when a friend from abroad mentioned living in London would range in their future plans.
Not that I hate London, really I don't. As a Londoner I'd say I have pleasantly now made peace with London. I've gotten over the 'it's crap and grey' phase and have learn to embrace the city I was born and raised in. Really, I love London, it's different, mutlicultural, happening and has a youthful vibe. But really, you want to move from a sunny beautiful, relaxing exotic location to come and live in this grey washing machine. Yes you hear right, I just called London a big old grey washing machine. Technically that is a viable simile. It IS grey here and it rains so often it WASHES away whatever is on the roads.
Back to my point, there are obviously a large range of pointers which make London so utterly attractive to the potential migrating urbanite. Let's see, it can't be the weather so there must be other great fantastic things that attract people to this bustling city of dreams.
1. Multicultural Londres- In London you can find one of the most diverse ethnic mixes in Europe, and London is commonly referred to as a cultural melting pot, so no wonder people claim that when they are here they experience a feeling of belonging, no matter what colour or creed you hail from. Sitting on public transport in this city you can hear multiple languages being spoke. It is really very exciting for those who get a buzz from experiences which offer an encounter to different ethnicities.
2. Opportunity- yes, like it or not, it's all happening here, and if you cannot make it here, I'm afraid you're pretty stuck as far as as success goes. Don't go claiming that you can make it somewhere else because if your idea hasn't hit it off here, or you haven't got the job of your dreams or made your future visiona reality here, then your chances of realising this anywhere else in Europe is pretty slim. I guess I am talking business/career wise. So wherever entrepeneurs are succesful I think they have, at some point take a pit stop in good old London at some point. I come from a background if immigrants to this country, and the ones who are succesful back home now, had previously made it big there- and merely transferred that over there, and nurtured it. And believe me when you do that can make it. Bigtime.
3. Tolerance- No no I am not implying that racism does not exist in London. Ofcourse it does- racism exists everywhere. It is just that here, given Britain's tradition of embracing immigrants compared to other European countries, eg, France, Germany, Italy, there is less of an overt racism. So it is not expressed as vividly as in mainland Europe. This makes it a little better for the integrating immigrant in my view, because it is less demeaning and make their journey more pleasant, although the new immigrant will soon will discover the that existance of racism and prejudice here is much more underlying. It's no walk in the park for new arrivals. London is big, unfriendly and fierce just like other metropolis however due to the Brotosh practise of 'keeping up appearance', racism and prejudice are more low key.
Not that I hate London, really I don't. As a Londoner I'd say I have pleasantly now made peace with London. I've gotten over the 'it's crap and grey' phase and have learn to embrace the city I was born and raised in. Really, I love London, it's different, mutlicultural, happening and has a youthful vibe. But really, you want to move from a sunny beautiful, relaxing exotic location to come and live in this grey washing machine. Yes you hear right, I just called London a big old grey washing machine. Technically that is a viable simile. It IS grey here and it rains so often it WASHES away whatever is on the roads.
Back to my point, there are obviously a large range of pointers which make London so utterly attractive to the potential migrating urbanite. Let's see, it can't be the weather so there must be other great fantastic things that attract people to this bustling city of dreams.
1. Multicultural Londres- In London you can find one of the most diverse ethnic mixes in Europe, and London is commonly referred to as a cultural melting pot, so no wonder people claim that when they are here they experience a feeling of belonging, no matter what colour or creed you hail from. Sitting on public transport in this city you can hear multiple languages being spoke. It is really very exciting for those who get a buzz from experiences which offer an encounter to different ethnicities.
2. Opportunity- yes, like it or not, it's all happening here, and if you cannot make it here, I'm afraid you're pretty stuck as far as as success goes. Don't go claiming that you can make it somewhere else because if your idea hasn't hit it off here, or you haven't got the job of your dreams or made your future visiona reality here, then your chances of realising this anywhere else in Europe is pretty slim. I guess I am talking business/career wise. So wherever entrepeneurs are succesful I think they have, at some point take a pit stop in good old London at some point. I come from a background if immigrants to this country, and the ones who are succesful back home now, had previously made it big there- and merely transferred that over there, and nurtured it. And believe me when you do that can make it. Bigtime.
3. Tolerance- No no I am not implying that racism does not exist in London. Ofcourse it does- racism exists everywhere. It is just that here, given Britain's tradition of embracing immigrants compared to other European countries, eg, France, Germany, Italy, there is less of an overt racism. So it is not expressed as vividly as in mainland Europe. This makes it a little better for the integrating immigrant in my view, because it is less demeaning and make their journey more pleasant, although the new immigrant will soon will discover the that existance of racism and prejudice here is much more underlying. It's no walk in the park for new arrivals. London is big, unfriendly and fierce just like other metropolis however due to the Brotosh practise of 'keeping up appearance', racism and prejudice are more low key.
You were born where?
It has occured to me that a lot of people I know are in love with London, with this city. I am a Londoner, yes I was born here. I'm so lucky I hear many of you chime in, and I must agree to that one. Then again it is subjective. I think it's not where you were born but who you are telling. For example, if I were to tell a group of smalltown American teens that I was born in London it'd be cool to them, right? Just like being British is apparently cool to New Yorkers. To them anybody with a British accent is for sure a longlost relative of 007, uses the term 'positively debonair daahling' often, and posesses a ravishing mysterious aura. To us British, being British just means you secretly will never fault fish and chips no matter how much healthy eating becomes famous, and you can never go for a whole month without visiting Oxford Street. So yes, it's not where you were born It's to whom you are talking to. If I were to tell another Londoner that I was born in London it's be like ''and so your point is.
If I were telling another person who lives in London but was not born or grew up here- well let's just agree it wouldn't be very cool. You see, being born in London, to 'new' Londoners is not really ll that cool. There is a young breed of people whom I like to call 'New Londoner's'. New Londoner's are not from London, weren't born here, did not grow up here, but merely live here. They can hail from anywhere- from Kent to Kenya, and have made a new life for themselves in this thriving Metropolis. They often have exciting quirky jobs- like photographer, fashion editor or freelance journalist, and are colourful, exotic and interesting to other people. New Londoners are nice people to be around apart from the fact that they get off on not being from here. So it's ok to work, live, breathe London, but being born here- how boring! is their mentality. Let's just say being born here would be uncool to this group of people.
Being born in London does however spell high class and mega sophistication to another group of people. People from the Middle east and generally all of Middle Asia. Find yourself in this part of the world and all you have to say is that you were born and raised in London- they will worship you! Believe me, when you have spent your whole life in a small town of a small country, being born in a capital city of a powerful country is totally where it's at. You will be worshipped in these places if you were born in London: Cyprus, Turkey, Dubai, Jordan, Israel, Egypt, Iran- to name but few.
Let's talk about cool places to be born from a Londoner's perspective. Now let's see it'd be really cool for me if I were born somewhere in Africa. Yes, Africa, I wouldn't mind place of Birth : Musambasa, to appear on my passport, no siree- how exotic and colourful! Where would you like to be born in? ( She asks as if this were a possibility)
If I were telling another person who lives in London but was not born or grew up here- well let's just agree it wouldn't be very cool. You see, being born in London, to 'new' Londoners is not really ll that cool. There is a young breed of people whom I like to call 'New Londoner's'. New Londoner's are not from London, weren't born here, did not grow up here, but merely live here. They can hail from anywhere- from Kent to Kenya, and have made a new life for themselves in this thriving Metropolis. They often have exciting quirky jobs- like photographer, fashion editor or freelance journalist, and are colourful, exotic and interesting to other people. New Londoners are nice people to be around apart from the fact that they get off on not being from here. So it's ok to work, live, breathe London, but being born here- how boring! is their mentality. Let's just say being born here would be uncool to this group of people.
Being born in London does however spell high class and mega sophistication to another group of people. People from the Middle east and generally all of Middle Asia. Find yourself in this part of the world and all you have to say is that you were born and raised in London- they will worship you! Believe me, when you have spent your whole life in a small town of a small country, being born in a capital city of a powerful country is totally where it's at. You will be worshipped in these places if you were born in London: Cyprus, Turkey, Dubai, Jordan, Israel, Egypt, Iran- to name but few.
Let's talk about cool places to be born from a Londoner's perspective. Now let's see it'd be really cool for me if I were born somewhere in Africa. Yes, Africa, I wouldn't mind place of Birth : Musambasa, to appear on my passport, no siree- how exotic and colourful! Where would you like to be born in? ( She asks as if this were a possibility)
Season's greetings and all that
What is it about Christmas that people love?
In the spirit of the season and stuff , I feel the need to write a relevant post, because if I hear another person on the bus going on about how excited they are about Christmas I'm going to emigrate to an Islamic country. Ok I'm really trying not to sound like one of those party poopers who put a damper on the Christmas Celebrations, really I'm not, but when you're not a kid, there's no presents, nobody to take care of everything for you, what's the deal with Christmas? What's so exciting about it? I will procede by writing a list of things which could make Christmas worthwhile and exciting, for all us who aren't the biggest fans of Christmas:
1. The actual meaning of Christmas: The fact that this world is flawed and God sent a bit of himself to earth to try and make us realise that our daily lives are fakes and we're all phonies and hypocrites and the sooner we all realise it the better.
2.Family get togethers- I realise that there may be some people who relish the thought of getting together with members of their family who they hardly ever spend time with, just for the sake of this one day. Forcing yourself to get along with eachother and wishing deep down the day would roll-on as fast as possible. I mean are there people who actually have fun with their families? Who actually enjoy spending time in their company ? Or is this an American myth? - A subject for another post.
3. Snowy weather- If you're lucky enough to have a White Christmas then maybe that will put you in the mood. Personally a white christmas would be nice- we're having snow at the moment- but it causes a lot of chaos and makes it unbearably cold- well colder than normal. So this one ahs pluses and minuses.
4. Presents: If anybody is lucky enough to have the economic and financial ability to supply themselves and their family with Christmas presents this year, then I personally give you the right to go to depoll and change my name to Olga. (I'm not called Olga by the way)
5. Church- There are those who enjoy going to church and I think this is a far point to add! it gives a sense of community I guess and togetherness - which Is vital these days because let's face it- Life's not like the movies so we need all the love we can get.
No doubt I will be posting more in the following festive days, so I bid you mewwy chwistmas and farewell for the time being- boulevarders.
In the spirit of the season and stuff , I feel the need to write a relevant post, because if I hear another person on the bus going on about how excited they are about Christmas I'm going to emigrate to an Islamic country. Ok I'm really trying not to sound like one of those party poopers who put a damper on the Christmas Celebrations, really I'm not, but when you're not a kid, there's no presents, nobody to take care of everything for you, what's the deal with Christmas? What's so exciting about it? I will procede by writing a list of things which could make Christmas worthwhile and exciting, for all us who aren't the biggest fans of Christmas:
1. The actual meaning of Christmas: The fact that this world is flawed and God sent a bit of himself to earth to try and make us realise that our daily lives are fakes and we're all phonies and hypocrites and the sooner we all realise it the better.
2.Family get togethers- I realise that there may be some people who relish the thought of getting together with members of their family who they hardly ever spend time with, just for the sake of this one day. Forcing yourself to get along with eachother and wishing deep down the day would roll-on as fast as possible. I mean are there people who actually have fun with their families? Who actually enjoy spending time in their company ? Or is this an American myth? - A subject for another post.
3. Snowy weather- If you're lucky enough to have a White Christmas then maybe that will put you in the mood. Personally a white christmas would be nice- we're having snow at the moment- but it causes a lot of chaos and makes it unbearably cold- well colder than normal. So this one ahs pluses and minuses.
4. Presents: If anybody is lucky enough to have the economic and financial ability to supply themselves and their family with Christmas presents this year, then I personally give you the right to go to depoll and change my name to Olga. (I'm not called Olga by the way)
5. Church- There are those who enjoy going to church and I think this is a far point to add! it gives a sense of community I guess and togetherness - which Is vital these days because let's face it- Life's not like the movies so we need all the love we can get.
No doubt I will be posting more in the following festive days, so I bid you mewwy chwistmas and farewell for the time being- boulevarders.
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