How to be a Londoner- Part 2. Restaurant Etiquette

When you are out eating in a non-fast food establishment i.e a proper restaurant, you :

1. Think the restaurant is fantastic regardless of quality, as long as the waiters/ waitresses are polite to you.

2. You never call out 'waiter' when addressing the waiting staff. If you wish to draw their attention you simply look in their direction and smile when you catch their eye, attempt to stop them when they are passing by your table by saying 'excuse me', or raise your hand as if you were in primary school.

3. You order any wine as long as it is on some kind of daily offer and think it is fantastic.

4. You order any food as long as it is part of a cheaper lunch/dinner option. You're not that bothered about the taste as long as you get a kick out of having scored a bargain.

5. When asking for the location of the lavatories, you ask for the 'ladies', or 'gents'. Women usually go together to perform what's commonly referred to as 'powedering their noses', during which they re-touch their makeup, actually use the toilet, and check their hair and clothes.

6. Usually know the restaurant owner by their first name, who is usually an old overwieght man of Asian/ Turkish/ Greek/ Arabic/ Italian descent and knows your parents and various other family members of yours. This man is commonly called Dev or Andy.

7. Your main meal comes in a massive plate and you usually never finish it all, and complain of indigestion at the end, but you are always really pleased that it is value for money.

8. You order dessert which is nearly always frozen and needs to be thawed out, even if it is not ice cream.

9. When the bill comes you scrutinize it carefully double checking that you are paying for exactly what you ordered, adament never to be overcharged or made a fool of. If you spot a mistake you politely alert the waiter who usually doesn't speak English properly at which point you ask for the manager. The waiter signs for the manager who hobbles over and promises to rectify the mistake and asks for  a thousand apologies.

10. At the end you always claim to love Italian/Greek/ Lebanese/Turkish food and vow to the owner to come again sometime at which point he twiddles his black/grey moustache and gives you a wide smile.