How to be a Londoner- Part 1. Public Transport etiquette

Ok if you're going to move to London anonymous friend, then you should know some traits which characterize the typical Londoner, right? Note, you do not have to adapt these bizarre practises, they are mere suggestions and no doubt after some years of having lived here you may find yourself unconsiously reinacting them in the future. When you do, you know you have made it to being an authentic Londoner.

1. When you enter a medium of public transport, be it bus, tube or train, you do not under any circumstances acknowledge the existance of any other passenger by acting in any of the following ways

- Directly looking at their faces. If you need to look at them, direct your gaze to any other part of their body (this excludes the chest area for women, and genitals for men.)

-You never unless threatened by death, talk to another passenger on the bus. This would be too friendly and polite, which and enduces wieriness in the average Londoner, making you seem well, bizarre. You only talk when addressed and this is rarely. You could be being attacked by a yorkshire terrier next to the disabled seats and still noone would address you.

-In rush hour, when about 100 people are squeezed on a bus or tube carriage with only a capacity for about 60 people, when the heads of shorter passengers are squeezed so awkwardly up against the chests of other taller passengers, that they can smell the odour the others body, when one is so close to another that it is interestingly possible to decipher the exact contents of the other's bag, everyone reads a book/newspaper, plays on their iphone or listens to their ipod just as if they were lying alone on their sofa at home.

- When some inconsiderate homeless person/ bohemian hippy brings their loud and smelly animal aboard, everybody ignores it and pretends that it is invisible, and under no circumstances reacts. Even when this animal begins to lick the naked legs of a woman sitting down, it is considered over the top to react and you merely wait for the owner to distance the animal from the lady, two minutes after which the animal will begin doing exactly the same thing.